Anonymous Anomalies: Kicking the Can

There are very few decisions we are forced to live with for long lengths of time. A

handful of choices that feel permanent, irreversible. Daytime television will tell you that

you can always walk away. But it’s not that simple. Some knots can’t be undone.

Sometimes decisions bind us so tightly that we struggle to breath. We can’t let loose the

cords that connect us. Relationships are complicated because people are complicated.

We are told that some choices are simple. Organic. Natural. We are told we aren’t

meant to be alone. For every lock, there is a key. And that is why I made promises over

twenty years ago to a person I barely knew. There was a ceremony, a fancy dress,

cake, and dancing. And it felt like it should last forever.

But it doesn’t.

You fast forward over a lifetime. Raise yourself, raise each other. Raise children. Raise

awareness. Raise salary. Raise stakes. Raise expectations.

And then you sink.

I blame it on Past me. Past me can’t be trusted. She was oddly impulsive, insecure, and

naïve. Past me didn’t always make sound decisions. Past me didn’t know what love

was. To be fair, maybe present me doesn’t know either. Past me was tethered to the life

she was expected to have. In her defense, Past me set a retirement strategy in her

20s… but then failed to get a pre-nup. Past me was inconsistent. Past me did some

crazy shit—she joined a cult (…ok, more than one). She was quick to trust and slow to

doubt. Past me knew how to have fun but also knew how to keep it together.

Future me is over Past me’s legacy. Present me is caught in the middle.

Present me also has questionable judgement. She started something she shouldn’t

have. In a few months, that will become Past me’s problem.

Present me thinks a lot about one-way doors. Thinks about untying knots, cutting cords,

and releasing bindings. She lays in bed and stares at the ceiling, wondering if there is

another her in a parallel universe, living a different life. What choices did Other Past me

make? Was her path better?

Present me feels burdened by the weight of guilt. It hangs around my neck, heavy and

pendulous. Present me is trying to solve a messy problem with clean logic. Present me

knows she is driving to a big decision… but she can’t make it yet.

Maybe Future me will be stronger? Yeah, Future me will be a bad bitch. She’ll know

what to do. How to break what is meant to stay unbroken. Future me won’t be weighed

down by bad decisions dressed up in white tulle and covered in fondant. She will take

care of business. Future me will have a plan and make sound decisions.

Future me will definitely know what love is.